Kim Luong Vuong's blog

Where there is a will, there is a way.

Tag Archives: loneliness

I’m feeling down

Feeling down aloneAfter a long vacation, when the day of flying away from home is near, somehow, I feel that I don’t want to go away from them.

I usually think that I can go anywhere at anytime for any duration without problem. But it seems that it’s not always true especially when I spend a lot of time together with those closed to me.

They were just some conversation at the coffee shops, some small parties we threw together, a short trip to nearby beach. They are just normal stuffs but they really help to deepen our bond. At least, that what I feel.

I want those happy days last forever, I don’t want to leave them. But, what can I do? I need money to live, they need money to live as well. Even, if I can stay here, they won’t. They have their own job, their own life. They have to work. We can’t be with each other all the time.

Sometime, I wish that we could never grow up, that we could stay as innocent children forever. But, time flows fast, it doesn’t wait for anyone, and now, here we are, worry about life and regret about the past.

For now, we can spend a lot of time together because we don’t have to take care of anyone else. I don’t dare to imagine about the future where we are all settle down and have a family. Will we are able to things that we are doing now? Few years ago, when I enter university, I asked my aunt if she meets her friends often. The answer is obvious “No”. She said her and them were all absorbed to the flow of life. They have little spare time for each other. At that time, I didn’t understand it much. As I become older, I’m scared that it might actually happen to me sooner or later.

Well, thing’s destined to come will come no matter what. Let’s just hope that, we can stay friends forever like those in movie “Grow Up”.

Why do I exist in this world?

Many people only understand how precious and valuable their lives are after being able to answer that question. Many of them also gain back the belief and start a new life because they realize their importance. Knowing the value and uniqueness helps them decide what they want to do and which path they should take to fulfill their wishes.

However, to me, this is one of the questions that I have not found the answer yet.

I do have many dreams, goals and desires that I want to fulfill but if fulfilling those is my reasons for living in this world.

Telling the truth, I do not think that I can achieve all of them. However, when I can reach my goals, I do not know what to do next. In addition, despite of being done by me or not, there are no difference will be created by my effort because none of mine goals are to bring change to this world.

I have neither a place to go back nor any persons to miss. In fact, I do not need them because to me, all of them are the burden that I do not want to carry, and they are obstructions on my way.
I know that I am difference and unique and I know my values. However, what to do with those values is still a big question to me now.I am always alone because I am walking in a different path to the others’, but no one has the ability of recognizing it. However, that loneliness provides me a lot of private space so I really enjoy it. Besides, my way of thinking is also difference from theirs, and I do not want anyone to become close to me, that is the reason why no one can truly understand me.

Today is my birthday.

My birthday is on 6th August. Sadly, there is no different with other days. I have never had any birthday parties for over 20 years. I seem to be familiar with it, but deep inside I really want to receive some felicitations from my friends instead of nothing like this. Even my parents, they do not remember it. They always remind me to stay focus on studying but they have never given me any gifts or congratulation to encourage me. This morning, I did have a thought that I would give myself a small present such as a cup of coffee in coffee shop (I always go to coffee shop on Sunday only) but I didn’t. That’s the reasons why I’m little bit upset right now.

I’m always lonely although there are a lot of people called friends around me. It’s simple because they can not see my true self. They can not see through the mask which I always wear for many years. To say shortly, I’m reticent and quiet. I want to change, I want to be more active and talkative, but I can’t. Changing personal characteristics isn’t easy. One thing I can do is write it down and post it here, on my blog. That’s enough. I don’t need anyone read it and sympathize with me.

Now, I’m looking forward to midnight. Then another day will begin, it will no longer be my birthday and I don’t need to worry about it anymore.

PS: Well, I wrote this article on 6th so don’t talk to me about the date today.

Goodbye and thank you!