Where there is a will, there is a way.
Category Archives: Feelings
April 24, 2019Posted by on
Update 09/06/2019: I was wrong again. She’s not the one whom I can spend a lifetime comfortably with.
I’ve known her for a long time. She was my classmate since high school. During that time, I was in my adolescence, my stubbornness got me into to plenty trouble with teachers. My class was divided into 4 groups, and she was the head of my group. And that made us fought each other few times.
When we each entered university, we only met few times (if I’m not mistaken, only 2 times). That didn’t leave me much impression of her. After graduating from university, she initiated the contact between us again. Since then, we keep meeting and messaging each other in a regular basis. Due to that, I understand her much better and finally come to conclusion that she’s ideal girl that fits my criteria of a girlfriend.
She’s smart, charming in a simple way. She will attract your attention when talking to her. She knows how to find a subject that both of us can talk about. When she talked about things that I don’t know, and have no clue to keep the conversation going, she could keep the subject simple, easy to understand, so that I can join in, and give my opinion and comment. To summarize, she’s a great conversation partner.
She’s also share a lot of common interest with me. We often like same TV series, which she often recommends to me first. We share more or less same taste of music as well. We both like classical music, but she likes it mainly they are nice to listen to. I like classical but also I want to understand the meaning, the inspiration, to feel the music. We both like reading books but we have different priority in book’s genre. She likes to read about psychology, business, and self-help. Meanwhile, I prefer history, biography, technology and science. We both like traveling, though pretty much everybody like traveling, so not much to talk about it here.
We have difference as well, and they’re quite a lot. But instead of fighting to protect each person’s perspective, we think of each other’s difference fascinating, and always wanting to understand the reason behind that. Few small examples are that she like to go to coffee shop alone, I like to go with friends. I like to go to cinema alone, she prefers to have companions.
As a human, she’s not perfect. She’s her weakness as well. But I don’t want to dwell into it too much. So, let say, she’s not a very good cook but her cooking is decent. She has health problem but she’s always trying to be in best shape possible. And she can be bossy and walking a thin line to be a control freak.
Finally, although I think that she’s an ideal girl for me, I won’t let this relationship develop passed an intimate friendship. Because I have commitment issue, I don’t want to ruin and hurt another woman. I will keep it this way. It’s best for both of us.
December 3, 2017Posted by on
I’m tired, I want to rest. I want a peaceful life. I don’t want to be back to work. I’m exhausted. But I need money to spend for my daily life.
Oh, what a life!
December 6, 2016Posted by on
We have been closed friends for few years but we have never actually spend a lot of time together. We keep day to day contract via electronic means. Sometime, hanging out at coffee shop. But last weekend, finally we went together to a popular tourist attraction. Because of that, I’m even surer that she is my precious friend that I can’t afford to lose.
On the first day, in the morning, we rode to a distanced tourist spot. We took the wrong turn but in the end we got there. It’s not a very special place, but the experience we had a long the way is fun. In the afternoon, we visited a wonderful coffee shop. It’s beautiful, quiet and peaceful. The flower above is from that coffee shop. In the evening, we spend whole night talking and walking around the city central square.
On the second day, we visited few other picturesque places. Having meals, and more coffee shops. In the evening, we spend a lot of time talking and sharing thoughts too. It was cold and windy. But that condition seemed to help us bond even better.
After that trip, I believe friendship between persons of different genders is possible. Since both of us doesn’t any other feeling toward each other except friend. We walked hand in hand, we hugged when it’s cold. But there is not even single spark happened.
To summarize: Traveling is great. And it’s even better if you go with your best friends.
November 3, 2016Posted by on
Have you ever seen a glowing sea? That’s a magnificent magical scene that makes you feel like you’re about to enter fairy world.
Luckily, I had a chance to witness that at the middle of Atlantic for 2 days.
It started without any warning. When my ship was sailing across the ocean, it was almost midnight at that time, suddenly the tips of the waves began to emit faint blue light. I realized that something’s not normal happening. I went out to the bridge wing. Before my eyes, my ship was surround by a transparent blueish mass of water. I couldn’t believe my own eyes at first. I thought it was the light from the Moon. But there was no Moon. I looked back to the wakes created by the ship’s propeller, the light extend well beyond along with the turbulent. Just like the flame behind the rocket.
It was so beautiful. It was like many scene in fantasy movies about ships travelling into unknown. At that time, I wished I would enter a new world, too.
But, sadly, this phenomenon is usually created by the excessive growth of micro bio organisms. Whose bloom of population is often related to pollution. For more information, you can easily do a quick search around the internet. I won’t get into details here.
I hope that, someday, I will be able to see it again, but not because our trash pollutes the sea. A scene that made me both amazed and eerie. See you next time.
October 9, 2015Posted by on
For long, I have not felt this way toward a girl. I’ve been always focus on my career, my learning. I’ve kept thinking that love is an unnecessary burden that I never want to carry. But, it seems that things don’t always go your way. Slowly and steadily, the feeling for her develope. Each time I meet her, I see in her something I need, I want from my ideal girlfriend. I subconsciously like to be with her. I get jealous when she’s with other men.
First I have to say that she is not very beautiful. By the appearance, she’s a normal looking girl. But, she does show charm when she puts up a light make up. So, I guess that appearance doesn’t matter anymore.
Let’s see what make me attracted to her.
She is intelligent and independent. Yep, I’m attracted to girls who can think and do thing by themselves. I love to take care of them, protect them. But I will soon feel tired when I’m being relied too much. I’m also not a perfect person. Sometime, I do want to receive a helping hand or an advice. And I see it in her. Someone I want to look after. Also someone I want to lie my head down onto her thigh, with she gently strokes my hair.
Beside, she is thorough and careful. Who would not like a careful person? Not me, obviously. This characteristic of her makes me feel at ease and worried-free. For example, whenever we went somewhere far. What is the means of transport, where we should rest, where we should not go and many more were planned and discussed among us carefully in advance. Even, if I forget some emergency medicine, I know that she has them with her.
Moreover, she is a good listener. Talking to her is so wonderful. I can feel that she is paying attention to my story when I talk, she gives honest comments. The way she talks is subtle. She claimed that she is hot temper. But I don’t feel uncomfortable even when she talks with anger. I can talk and listen to her for hours without being bored.
But, above all, she is too precious for me to lose. She has been my friends for almost 15 years. That friendship is priceless and I don’t want to do anything that might harm it. Although it’s painful, I will bury that feeling deep down inside my head, and hope that time will ease the pain.
February 26, 2015Posted by on
After a long vacation, when the day of flying away from home is near, somehow, I feel that I don’t want to go away from them.
I usually think that I can go anywhere at anytime for any duration without problem. But it seems that it’s not always true especially when I spend a lot of time together with those closed to me.
They were just some conversation at the coffee shops, some small parties we threw together, a short trip to nearby beach. They are just normal stuffs but they really help to deepen our bond. At least, that what I feel.
I want those happy days last forever, I don’t want to leave them. But, what can I do? I need money to live, they need money to live as well. Even, if I can stay here, they won’t. They have their own job, their own life. They have to work. We can’t be with each other all the time.
Sometime, I wish that we could never grow up, that we could stay as innocent children forever. But, time flows fast, it doesn’t wait for anyone, and now, here we are, worry about life and regret about the past.
For now, we can spend a lot of time together because we don’t have to take care of anyone else. I don’t dare to imagine about the future where we are all settle down and have a family. Will we are able to things that we are doing now? Few years ago, when I enter university, I asked my aunt if she meets her friends often. The answer is obvious “No”. She said her and them were all absorbed to the flow of life. They have little spare time for each other. At that time, I didn’t understand it much. As I become older, I’m scared that it might actually happen to me sooner or later.
Well, thing’s destined to come will come no matter what. Let’s just hope that, we can stay friends forever like those in movie “Grow Up”.
February 5, 2015Posted by on
As a normal person, I also have something that I want to talk, to share with other people. Those may be just simple like opinions about the latest news, problems at work, or relationship. They might be nonsense but I don’t want to be made fun of. Everyone has their own problem and we should respect other people’s stories. If anybody does that to me once, I will stop sharing my private life with them. That’s reason why I can not express my thoughts completely to my friends most of the time.
Luckily, things changed. About half year ago, one of my long lost contacts somehow found out my mobile phone number. From that, we exchanged our Skype username and we keep talking, sharing everything we have in mind with each other until now. I feel that finally, I found someone I can trust to share, to express, to tell everything that are bugging me for a long time.
So, what make her so special?
First, it’s probably she shares a similar mind with me. We are both quiet on the outside, but we are flooded with thoughts inside our heads. And we want to share them. We have some troubles with other people because we live with a facade for so long that other people think that are our true selves. When we say or do something truly from our heart, they think that we are joking and not taking it seriously. Ironically. So, since we found out that we share same problems, we are more open to each other. That also help building up the trust among ourselves.
Second, she understands, instead of mocking, she sympathize. When I tell her about something I hate, she will ask me why, and if even I can not give a reason, she help me to point out some possible causes. When I have a fight, she will not side me or other, she stands at the middle, listen and give comments. I agree that as a man, I like to win and have comrades by my side. But I can not improve if no one tell me things that I’m not able to recognise by myself. With her, together, we dig to the root of problem, and look for a better solution.
Third, she has characteristics that I want to see in people. She’s intelligent, confident, independent, and also, sweet. Intelligence plays the key role here. I don’t want and don’t think any of you want to talk to people who know nothing. Yes, she knows her stuff, she has desire to learn new things, she’s pursuing the path of knowledge which I will fully agree and support if I can.
Does she have something that I dislike? Yes, she does. She’s a human being after all. Not many, but one I hate the most is that she’s bossy. I don’t like to be pushed around by people. Luckily, I can reject doing things that I don’t like by explaining to her. That makes it less ugly in my eyes.
There is no standard for a good conversation partner, it depends on each person’s preference. And in my opinion, she’s the one that I need.
July 11, 2014Posted by on
Not everyone can willingly invite their friends to visit his house. Neither do I. They have their own reasons for not to do so and I have mine, too.
Deep down inside, I feel it pretty happy when someone visits me. There is a chance that was just a diplomatic action, or it was out of pity; but I don’t care about it much. In anyway, their visit means that my existence is acknowledged. That thought always make me feel better.
But the reality is harsh. Due to some circumstance, I do not allow myself to invite them or them to have any idea of paying me visit. The reasons lie in my family’s attitude during and after their visit.
During any occasion, they become bossy while my friends are around. They think that my treat is insufficient; they always try to influence my decisions or to interfere with what I’m going to do. I have my own way of doing things; I’m a strong self-awareness person. Thus, I don’t like any other persons get in my way. No matter how they are closed to me.
After the visit, they started complaining and questioning me why I hadn’t done this, that; and advising me to do this and that. I don’t need their advice, so, who cares about it? No one is perfect and nothing he does can be perfect. Everything will be fine as long as it meets the goals. And the goal for any visit is to have fun together, or to show concern. Nobody joins a party to find out your mistake in preparation anyway.
More, if they find out some imperfection, they will turn them into a topic for joke at anytime in the future. What are they trying to do? Do they understand that they are insulting me when they’re making those kinds of joke? I don’t think they do. As a man with his own pride, I can’t accept or forgive that embarrassment.
Last but not least, my father is alcoholic. When he’s drunk, he can’t control himself from rude conversation and violence. He would start taunting, spitting, throwing objects. I don’t think anyone as a son could stand that scene. Neither do I.
Because of those reasons, I will never ever invite anyone to visit my family again.
February 15, 2013Posted by on
For most of us, family means everything, they are people whom you love and care about. Family is the place where you can find the shelter, love and support. Family contains people who you can not live without them.
But, still there are many unlucky people who had to, have to, and will have to endure mental or physical (or both) pains caused by their own family. I am one of those unfortunate people who God forgot to bless.
I have drunken father who always yells and batters family members after drinking. He usually destroys our properties as well. This happened almost every two or three days. It was so frequent that I got used to it. Now, maybe he becomes old, or just because I rarely visit home, the frequency decreases. Beside that man, my family was also ruined by the mother who always has grudge against me. I received punishments from her so many times that I can not count or remember clearly. Finally, that is the sister that I can not get along with.
Family means to be sharing and understanding each other but it only means obedient in my family. The conversations were always one way. They said, I listen and do what they want. No comments, objections or reasons were accepted even if those were right and reasonable.
Everyone has the right to choose their own path that they want to follow but I didn’t. When I was a child, they didn’t let me to learn what I liked. They forced me to study subjects that they thought were the best for me. Then, after finishing secondary school, I had to apply for the school that I didn’t want to at all for the same reason. Naturally, I failed because I was not good enough but they blame me for months. After graduating from high school, I made up my mind that I would walk my own way from that moment. Once again, they planned to decide my future and I rejected it. They immediately showed their true faces. At first, they tried to build up a miserable future. After failing to do it themselves, they asked their relatives, their acquaintances to convey that ideas to me. Finally, they threatened me. I somehow managed to overcome the obstacles thanks to my determination but the relationship between me and my parents won’t be able to become normal again.
Being born in this family is the extremity misfortune. Because of that, I have allergy to any ideal family stories. I feel extremely uncomfortable whenever someone mentions about my family.
I wish they simply disappeared from my life.
July 11, 2012Posted by on
Many people only understand how precious and valuable their lives are after being able to answer that question. Many of them also gain back the belief and start a new life because they realize their importance. Knowing the value and uniqueness helps them decide what they want to do and which path they should take to fulfill their wishes.
However, to me, this is one of the questions that I have not found the answer yet.
I do have many dreams, goals and desires that I want to fulfill but if fulfilling those is my reasons for living in this world.
Telling the truth, I do not think that I can achieve all of them. However, when I can reach my goals, I do not know what to do next. In addition, despite of being done by me or not, there are no difference will be created by my effort because none of mine goals are to bring change to this world.
I have neither a place to go back nor any persons to miss. In fact, I do not need them because to me, all of them are the burden that I do not want to carry, and they are obstructions on my way.
I know that I am difference and unique and I know my values. However, what to do with those values is still a big question to me now.I am always alone because I am walking in a different path to the others’, but no one has the ability of recognizing it. However, that loneliness provides me a lot of private space so I really enjoy it. Besides, my way of thinking is also difference from theirs, and I do not want anyone to become close to me, that is the reason why no one can truly understand me.